Sitting alone in heartache sucks. I’m trying hard not to think about you being happy, downing whatever sorrow and heartache you had over me in the happiness of a new relationship. I’m trying hard to not think how much I wish that was me, even thought I know that would have never been me. You replaced me in less than 3 months. Although I can sit here and tell myself, no one who deserves me would do that, I also know, I wish she was me. I wish I could hold you, and kiss you whenever I wanted. I wish I could be the one you share photos of on your socials. I wish I had been enough to be the one out of the shadows.

I want and deserve a hell of a lot more, but fuck it hurts. It fucking hurts to see someone else get everything I wanted, everything I tried hard for over a year for, to get in a few short months. I feel like fucking trash.

I’m sitting here in a bed is Seoul, crying over the love you never gave me. How fucking sad is that. I hate that I still pine for your attention, your approval, your love, when I know it was never good enough. I would have moved mountains and withstood blizzards for you, and it never would have mattered.

I need to forgive myself for accepting, wanting, and loving so little. I need to forgive myself, but I can’t while I still miss you.

I have to sit in this a little while longer. I have to go through my burden of hurting and healing alone. Because I want what I give, I want what I deserve, but I can’t give what I want and deserve while holding onto this pain, this jealousy, this hollowness of missing you, someone I never had.

I’m hurting so much, I feel so lonely, and it’s not fucking fair.